So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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