I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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