'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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