3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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