I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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