I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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