Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
