when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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