My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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