Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
