I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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