I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
