I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
