All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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