the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
