I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
