VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
