im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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