I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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