It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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