they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I fill condoms, not promises.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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