why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
