I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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