Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
