I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
