Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
