There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
