I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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