your thong is hanging out like whoa
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize