boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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