We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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