Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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