I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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