wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
