I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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