so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
