I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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