Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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