you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
