The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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