Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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