im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
