peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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