I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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