I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I love having hate sex.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
