I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
