Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
