I cannot find my penis.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
