it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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