I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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