Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
