If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
