I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize