Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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