watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize