I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
