There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I stole a fireplace last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
