Betty ford says i'm here all night
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
