he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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