I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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