Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
