i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Terrible idea I love it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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