I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize