exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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