There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
