just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
