I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
