seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
