I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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