God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
