Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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