I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize