I wanna passion pit in your ass
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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