2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
