Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
