Who wears a wallet chain?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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